1. Explain why you are getting together outside of group time. You want the group member, with whom you are dealing with a conflict, to know that you are there for work through the issue(s) together. You want to exhibit an adult-to-adult relationship. We want to come to the table with the mindset of growth, not fixing someone.

2. Try putting yourself in the group member’s shoes. This will help you understand their perspective better and confront the group member, again, with grace, rather than rage.

3. Ask yourself, “Is the conflict something that’s bothering me/not the way I would do it, or is it truthfully in conflict with Scripture and/or with the group, socially, emotionally, or spiritually?

4. In a word, phrase or one sentence, be sure the group member clearly understands the issue and why it’s disruptive to the group. These allows you to stay on task and not drift.

5. A pastor once told me to always find at least 1% that you can take responsibility for with the issue at hand. This is diffuse any negative emotions and keep your group member from going on the defensive. It also lets the group member know that you want to work on the issue together, and not just there to judge.

6. Envision what could happen if the problem persists. It’s important for everyone involved to understand and acknowledge the potential consequences.

7. Lean not on your own understanding. We need to rely on the Lord’s wisdom, strength, and grace, for only through Him to we experience real change of one’s heart.

Now take these ingredients and think about how you would apply them to the personality traits and difficult situations (below):

Here’s a super valuable piece of information: You and I, as leaders, are quirky people serving quirky people. We all have our triggers that cause us to react to any person or situation with a bit of instability. We all require a touch of grace from one another. So we don’t want to get in the habit of labeling people as extra needy, for example. However, you will have people in your group who actually do have personality disorders or mental illness. For these people, it’s important to know what additional resource are available in and through our church, such as our licensed counselors (760.929.0029 ext.100).

But more often than not, you will typically face group members who can unintentionally control the group by their moods, behavior, and/or attitudes. For example, they talk too much, they don’t talk enough, they want too much control, they offer too much advice, they complain or gossip, and so on. Now, grace is sufficient for the first time offense, but if there’s a pattern of behavior, it should not be ignored, with the goal of helping the group member become fully integrated into the life of your group.

“The effort you exert to improve a difficult relationship is almost always rewarded with new vitality for you and your group.” (Les Parrott)

Tough to have a small group of one…huh! So, let’s take a look at a number of personalities and how to work with them:

a.  Your group is entrenched in discussion over a theological issue in Scripture, when suddenly a group member cries.
Thoughts on what to do:
Always remember that people come before tasks, which means politely drop what you are discussing and remind the group that’s it’s OK to express deep emotions and even share any troubles. In this moment you’ll have to exercise godly discernment. The group member, we’ll call Jackie, may be open to sharing or having the group pray for her. Or, she may need to step out. Let her tell you. If she does need to step out, please send a trusted women (in this case) with her to be there for her. Be sure to follow-up with her after the meeting.

b.  A group member often is critical of other group members’ responses.
Thoughts on what to do:
Gracious and tactfully step into the dialog and remind the group of your ground rules, which should include:  “It’s okay to disagree, but not to belittle, judge or be argumentative.” If the problem persists, then it will require individual attention outside of group time.

c. A group member often brings his own agenda to network for his business or drum of support for his ministry.
Thoughts on what to do:
Remind the group of its purpose and mission in order to keep it on track. Again, if the problem persists then you’ll have to talk with this person privately, outside of your group time. It’s OK if you give this person an opportunity to share, particularly about his/her ministry once in a while. But otherwise, he/she needs to understand why the group gathers and be committed to that and not talk about his/her business/ministry unless someone inquires about it, say, during the group’s fellowship/social time.

d.  A couple of your group members tend to form their own clique, even during the Bible study discussion.
Thoughts on what to do:
Without embarrassing them, tactfully draw them back into the group discussion, and perhaps at the next gathering time, create a sitting arrangement or break up your group into smaller sub groups so that every group member sits next to someone they don’t know too well. Then you could have some kind of icebreaker that allows them to get-to-know one another better. Be sure to talk with these group members privately outside of group time if they continue to act in isolation and are distracting the group.

e.  A question or comment from a group member is passed over by the rest of the group.
Thoughts on what to do:
Be sure you are in tune with everyone’s responses, particularly during any group discussion. Listening, acknowledging and appreciating group member’s input and involvement is key to the groups health. If this should happen, simply break into the discussion and say something like this: “I love this discussion, and I heard (name) saying something that I’d like for us to hear again and respond to it.”

f.  You find that one or two of your group members have been indirectly designated as the Bible answer people. But they also give unwarranted advice.
Thoughts on what to do:
As with any offense, you hopefully can overlook the first one. However, if and when you need to handle this situation, you can start with jumping in quickly and asking for other group members’ thoughts and responses. If the pattern continues, you need to step in and talk with this person privately. As far as the advice issue is concerned, it’s important to remind the group of the ground rules, which should include something like, “Listen to hear, not to fix or change.” In other words, do not give advice, unless someone asks for it, and even then, be slow to tread in the area of giving advice.

g.  Some group members are always late or don’t show up at all with no phone calls to let you know they won’t be there.
Thoughts on what to do:
Make the effort to contact these people by phone. Try to tactfully find out the reason for their absence, because it may be very legitimate. It may also be helpful for the further growth and development of your group. If the problem is something they are dealing with personally, express care and concern and ask if you or your group can be of any assistance. Be sure to pray for this person or people. If their reasons are due to flakiness or something like that, there’s not much you can do except to graciously encourage them to renew their consistency in attendance.

h.  There’s a big debate on what the next study should be in your group, or the next social event/service project.
Thoughts on what to do:
Take down all the ideas and brainstorm over possible solutions. One simple solution is to do short studies so that you can move from one topic to another in a reasonable amount of time. The same would be for activities and outreaches. You can also ask a group member or more to be the coordinator(s) for the activities, etc., and whatever they come up with, the group has to comply, assuming they continue to welcome input from the other group members before they make final decisions.

i.  A Group member interjects a question or statement on politics that stirs everyone up.
Thoughts on what to do:
Remind the group that you may have to table the question or response to a comment until the next group gathering. But let them know that it’s OK to talk politics at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner. It is Biblical (Romans 13:1-7), as long as we understand that God is neither Republican or Democrat, or from any other party. We must keep our political talk in check with God’s grace and love, with the church’s teaching, and not allow it to consume the group’s time. If your group experiences any over zealous group members, it’s best to talk to that group member privately, reminding him/her of the group’s mission and practices. Again, it wouldn’t hurt to have a specific study and discussion on politics, helping your group members understand current issues in comparison or contrast to truth of God’s Word. Perhaps you could consider a group study using a non-biased book on the subject.

To finish this session and before moving on to Session Six, please click on this Reading Response link, followed by clicking the submit button, which will provide Pastor Jim with your responses.

Session SIX
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